Wow where has the time gone. Yes, this is my thought and I’m sure everyone else thoughts at the end of every year. From all the happy times throughout the year to all those sad times come flooding through my mind. Finally getting to talk and later visit my sister after years of not being able to talk to her, to having my first wedding anniversary, to realizing no matter what I do maybe the best thing to do would be to distance myself from my mom, to having the year filled with majority of anxiety and depression.
Don’t get me wrong I am so thankful to be able to be alive and be able to go through all these ups and downs in life but yes I do wish that I would have been able to have more ups then downs more feeling secure then doubting. You don’t always get to pick the type of life that you are dealt and sometimes it feels like I drew the short straw.
It was an amazing feeling being able to talk to my sister again and have her be a part of my life. However, if I am honest it has been a great but very difficult thing. You see I used to very close with my sister but both her and my brother were taken and placed with my Stepdad and because my stepdad did some awful unforgiveable things to me he was placed in jail and has held it against me I was not able to have contact with them. With so many years where we were not able to speak it was not an easy thing to all of sudden have the contact. I had and still am trying to figure out how to have my sister be a part of my life once again. It has been a struggle where I find myself forgetting to text her or forgetting to wish her on the holidays. On a positive note she graduated high school even after everything that she has been through and I was able to see her in person the weekend before she graduated. I am hopeful on where this will go and hope to grow closer to her.
Exciting news I have made it to my first wedding anniversary. They say the first year of marriage is not easy and they would be right. We had many good times but we also have some bad times too. We went through multiple different job changes which always brings more stress to the home. For now we are both stable in our jobs and don’t worry about being able to afford our bills. My husband’s great aunt who he viewed as a grandmother passed away back in May and that brought its own challenges from my husband blaming himself to getting stressed out with everything and seeming like nothing was going right. What would life be without these challenges that we have to go through? Death is never an easy thing to deal with and I normally would have been the first person to run as far as they could from it but I am so proud of myself that I was able to stick it out and be there for my husband, who is doing so much better. We struggled and at times still struggle with communication and not expecting too much from each other. My husband has a hard time with emotions of others and has a hard time not getting his way and when fighting often times jumps to tell me that he is not happy and doesn’t want to be in the marriage anymore. He always comes around and apologies for what he said. I find myself walking on eggshells at times trying to not push him over the edge. About 8 months ago we started to trying to get pregnant and unfortunately have not had any luck making a baby. This is something that as of recently has started to get to me as I fear that it will never happen. I have wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember and the fact that it is not coming easily to us has been devastating. It is so hard to see my friends and family members get pregnant. I hope 2018 brings better luck on getting pregnant.
Unfortunately 2017 brought me to the understanding that even through someone is blood does not mean that you have to drop everything for them. I went through the hardest time with my mom who has been constantly putting me down and at times blaming me for her marriage falling apart many years ago. I would go to visit my mom and leave in tears many times. Earlier this year she accused my husband of trying to emotionally harm her and stated that he has spit in her food and she started to wish him dead. She would not listen to me and started to text me many messages. I told her that he wouldn’t do that and it go to the point that we had to call the police and make a report. Ever since them my husband wants nothing to do with her and would prefer that I don’t either. Slowly I have come to the conclusion that it would be best to not have much contact with her. When someone comes to blame you for everything thing in their life and are not able to be positive and just wants to focus on the negative what other choice do you have? I will always love her but as of not I just can’t have much contact with her for my own sanity.
Anxiety and depression is something that I have struggled with most of my life and this year was no different. I went on and off medication to help me, tried multiple coping skills. When things seemed to improve it would be 2 steps back. I tried to not let it get me down but there would be times where all I wanted to do was stay in bed. As we end 2017 I find myself continuing to struggle but also am finding myself to be stronger then I was before. Everything you go through is for a reason and I am becoming a better and stronger person every day. I am almost completely out of collections and I have a good amount of money in savings which such a huge accomplishment for me.
You don’t always get what you wish for but I sure do hope that 2018 brings more happiness then heartache. I know I know they say that you have to make your own happiness. I am working every day to make my life better and to improve myself. So I must end this and say 2018 I am ready for you! Let’s make 2018 a year to remember.
Life Happens 