He is back

So I let him back in.  Twenty-two fucking year of back and forth and still I let him back in. What am I thinking?  Am I even thinking at all?  I am a sucker for giving chance after chance.  What is the point when drugs always come before me?  Yes, I am talking about my biological dad.  Time after time I am left disappointed and heartbroken.  I remember crying myself to sleep because he wasn’t around.  I think about all the things that he missed and I don’t understand how anything could come before your own daughter. I am trying to talk to him and not hold a grudge but sometimes I feel that it shows how pissed off I am, how hurt, and how numb I feel toward him.  They say that blood is everything but how is it I can look at him and feeling nothing.  Maybe talking to him is just causing more harm than good.  Hell if he couldn’t be around when I was growing up and needed him, do I really need him in my life now?  Maybe I should be the one to walk out on him this time.  Maybe I should, but I won’t.  I crave the attention of a father who would love me.  I want to learn to love him, or even learn to have him be a part of my life.  I want to have a father in my life but maybe it is too late and maybe the damage is already done.  I promised myself this would be the last shot if he disappoints me again then I will call it quits.  He wasn’t really around before and I am strong enough if he leaves again.


What to do before your Interview

  1. Make sure you have all the information for the Interview: Check the address and map it out make sure you know where you are going. Make sure you have additional papers you may need for the interview such as your resume, references, and recommendations.
  2. Find out about the Company: This can be hard at times to find but try to research the company that you are going to be interviewed by. Find out some facts that you can mention during the interview.  Make note of any important company employees.
  3. Practice being interviewed: Look up interview questions that might be asked. This includes common questions and questions that might be asked in your field.  If you are really nervous ask a friend or family member to role-play with you.  This will help to reduce anxiety and help you to feel more comfortable with the questions.
  4. Find an outfit: Think about what type of interview you are going for and dress accordingly.  This includes shoes. Make sure your outfit is clean and hang it up so it will be easy to find it and you know that it is interview ready.
  5. Get there early: If it is in a part of town you have never been to plan to arrive at least 30 minutes early just in case you get lost. Relax and review questions for the interview if you still have time before the interview.  Plan to walk in about 15 minutes early to show you are reliable and are able to manage your time effectively.
  6. Check everything before you go in: Make sure your cell phone is either off or on mute, make sure you don’t have hair ties on your wrist and make sure you look appropriate. Make sure you have all of your documents.  Head in and look confident.

It’s the New year!!!

January 2, 2018

Two days into the new year and so far it has been going okay.  Been struggling with depression and getting out and doing things.  Have you ever had a time where you are so depressed that you don’t even want to get up and go to work or don’t even want to make any meals?  That is where I have been but I have been pushing myself to get up and move around.  Something I found to be helpful is to set reminders on my phone.  Sure there are times I just want to tell my phone to shut up and ignore it but I am trying to do what my reminders are saying because I know it will make me feel better.  I got a call today for a job interview and I am thinking about going.  I love my job now but would like to have more consistent hours.  I have been on a few interviews lately and have felt like a failure as I have not heard back from any of them but it is good to keep trying.  It doesn’t hurt to keep trying.  This year is going to be my year I know it will.  When you fall, get back up and try again.  Sooner or later you will succeed.  Don’t be afraid to take a day or two to yourself so that you can be the best you can be.

Hope everyone is have a good New Year!

December 31, 2017

Wow where has the time gone.  Yes, this is my thought and I’m sure everyone else thoughts at the end of every year.  From all the happy times throughout the year to all those sad times come flooding through my mind.  Finally getting to talk and later visit my sister after years of not being able to talk to her, to having my first wedding anniversary, to realizing no matter what I do maybe the best thing to do would be to distance myself from my mom, to having the year filled with majority of anxiety and depression.

Don’t get me wrong I am so thankful to be able to be alive and be able to go through all these ups and downs in life but yes I do wish that I would have been able to have more ups then downs more feeling secure then doubting.  You don’t always get to pick the type of life that you are dealt and sometimes it feels like I drew the short straw.

It was an amazing feeling being able to talk to my sister again and have her be a part of my life. However, if I am honest it has been a great but very difficult thing.  You see I used to very close with my sister but both her and my brother were taken and placed with my Stepdad and because my stepdad did some awful unforgiveable things to me he was placed in jail and has held it against me I was not able to have contact with them.  With so many years where we were not able to speak it was not an easy thing to all of sudden have the contact.  I had and still am trying to figure out how to have my sister be a part of my life once again.  It has been a struggle where I find myself forgetting to text her or forgetting to wish her on the holidays.  On a positive note she graduated high school even after everything that she has been through and I was able to see her in person the weekend before she graduated.  I am hopeful on where this will go and hope to grow closer to her.

Exciting news I have made it to my first wedding anniversary.  They say the first year of marriage is not easy and they would be right.  We had many good times but we also have some bad times too.  We went through multiple different job changes which always brings more stress to the home.  For now we are both stable in our jobs and don’t worry about being able to afford our bills.  My husband’s great aunt who he viewed as a grandmother passed away back in May and that brought its own challenges from my husband blaming himself to getting stressed out with everything and seeming like nothing was going right.  What would life be without these challenges that we have to go through?  Death is never an easy thing to deal with and I normally would have been the first person to run as far as they could from it but I am so proud of myself that I was able to stick it out and be there for my husband, who is doing so much better.  We struggled and at times still struggle with communication and not expecting too much from each other.  My husband has a hard time with emotions of others and has a hard time not getting his way and when fighting often times jumps to tell me that he is not happy and doesn’t want to be in the marriage anymore.  He always comes around and apologies for what he said.  I find myself walking on eggshells at times trying to not push him over the edge.  About 8 months ago we started to trying to get pregnant and unfortunately have not had any luck making a baby.  This is something that as of recently has started to get to me as I fear that it will never happen. I have wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember and the fact that it is not coming easily to us has been devastating. It is so hard to see my friends and family members get pregnant.  I hope 2018 brings better luck on getting pregnant.

Unfortunately 2017 brought me to the understanding that even through someone is blood does not mean that you have to drop everything for them.  I went through the hardest time with my mom who has been constantly putting me down and at times blaming me for her marriage falling apart many years ago.  I would go to visit my mom and leave in tears many times.  Earlier this year she accused my husband of trying to emotionally harm her and stated that he has spit in her food and she started to wish him dead.  She would not listen to me and started to text me many messages.  I told her that he wouldn’t do that and it go to the point that we had to call the police and make a report.   Ever since them my husband wants nothing to do with her and would prefer that I don’t either.  Slowly I have come to the conclusion that it would be best to not have much contact with her.  When someone comes to blame you for everything thing in their life and are not able to be positive and just wants to focus on the negative what other choice do you have?  I will always love her but as of not I just can’t have much contact with her for my own sanity.

Anxiety and depression is something that I have struggled with most of my life and this year was no different.  I went on and off medication to help me, tried multiple coping skills.  When things seemed to improve it would be 2 steps back.  I tried to not let it get me down but there would be times where all I wanted to do was stay in bed.  As we end 2017 I find myself continuing to struggle but also am finding myself to be stronger then I was before.  Everything you go through is for a reason and I am becoming a better and stronger person every day. I am almost completely out of collections and I have a good amount of money in savings which such a huge accomplishment for me.

You don’t always get what you wish for but I sure do hope that 2018 brings more happiness then heartache.  I know I know they say that you have to make your own happiness.   I am working every day to make my life better and to improve myself.  So I must end this and say 2018 I am ready for you! Let’s make 2018 a year to remember.